Exciting Stories!

So, there I was, in the forest. My helicopter had gone down. I had nothing but the clothes on my back with me. Then some tigers started to circle, probably attracted by the noise of the crash. The first one lunged an-

WE INTERRUPT THE PROGRAM IN PROGRESS FOR THIS EXTRA SPECIAL PSA!

Good day, folks. My name is Sam and I'm here to talk to you about something very important. Well, perhaps not important in the overall world and the such, but something very important to me. This is video games. I want to discuss video games and you. Namely you if you're a parent. If you're reading this, you are likely not a parent, but that's a-ok!

So video games. They have been around for quite some time now, entertaining the masses. From platformers, to RPGs, to shooters, to third person adventurey type games. They come in all shapes and sizes and for all kinds of different people. Some are for kids, but not all video games are made for kids.

FACT: NOT ALL VIDEO GAMES ARE FOR KIDS. THERE ARE GAMES FOR ADULTS.

I understand this may be hard to grasp. Video games seem like a toy, but they are in fact not. They are just like any other entertainment industry. There are games designed for kids, but there are also those made for adults. I'll repeat this, since it is apparently difficult to grasp or understand. VIDEO GAMES CAN HAVE ADULT THEMES AND EXTREME VIOLENCE.

They even have a handy ratings guide!

E-It stands for everyone, but has 10+ on there. Which is confusing, since there are people under the age of 10 in the world, meaning they aren't for everyone. But these are very tame. They include things like Mario, sports games and other related content.

T-This stands for teen. It's about the equivalent of a PG-13 movie. Except more tame than that, PG-13 movies are allowed a lot more freedom. You are not allowed to really...curse in Teen rated games, but there is some minor violence. These are generally pretty safe.

M-This stands for mature and is for a 17+ audience. There is cursing, blood, violence. Anything you would find in a Rated R movie is generally fair game here. Except even then, it's generally more tame than a Rated R movie, there's less cursing, not really anything in the way of nudity. But then there is violence. And people think it's worse because you can perpetrate the violence. These people are known as "idiots" who want other people to raise their kids for them, because they clearly do not know how.

AO-Adults only. 18+, not really many games get this rating.

I decided to go into this, because last week I saw a mother buying her child a copy of Assassin's Creed: Brotherhood. Great game, great series. Problem: This child was 8 years old. This game is not appropriate for an 8 year old. Would you let your 8 year old child watch a rated R movie? No? Then on earth are you buying them a mature rated game?

It doesn't make sense. The only way I can explain is that people still see games as a toy. A thing for children. They are not. They are meant for all ages, different games for different groups. Until people realize this, games will continue to be demonized.

Also, until people take responsibility over raising their own kids. Take the time to get informed about things before buying them. Understand what you're doing. Take some damn blame on yourself every once in awhile. A video game didn't make your kid a bad kid. You did.

The Supreme Court had to hear a case about censoring video games and making it a felony to sell mature rated games to a minor. Which on the surface sounds like a good idea, but it really isn't. It means retailers won't want to carry mature rated games, because you get slammed by the government if one single employee messes up. Suddenly you're up on federal charges.

Movies don't have to put up with this. Books don't. Music doesn't. Why do video games? I would venture to guess it's because it's the new entertainment medium, it's easy to blame. It's the scapegoat for bad parenting.

Self-Righteous Jackwagons

I swear. One of these days when I say I'm going to update more, I'm going to mean it. While I'm on the topic, if you have something you want me to write about, let me know. I have thoughts on a lot of things, but I never know what to put here. So faithful half reader, message me on facebook, email me, put a suggestion in the comments section of this very blog. Contact me in some way to get whatever topic you want Sam Eason's thoughts on in this blog. It's very exclusive. Like one of those clubs with the huge dude that has a clipboard at the door. And your name/topic could be on that clipboard.

And now we're back from that commercial back with the program already in progress:

I dislike super self-righteous people. This should come as a shock to nobody. That may sound kind of terrible out of context or something. It shouldn't because there is a difference between a self-righteous person and a good person or someone trying to better themselves.

A self-righteous person has to let other know all the great stuff they do to save the world or "better" themselves. They also have to tell everyone else how to live their life. How they can better themselves, with unsolicited and unwanted advice. I'm all for people being better, and caring about the world around them. But just because I don't tell everyone I care doesn't mean I don't. I just don't feel the need to tell everyone I care about something.

Something similar to this happens at work all the time. A good kid will, of course do something good or right. Something they didn't have to do, then go about their day. Then another child will do something good, then have to make sure everyone knew about their good deed, thus tarnishing it some. At least in my eyes it tarnishes it some. If you were confident in what you were doing is right, not everyone would need to hear about it. It isn't necessary. You should be happy and fulfilled you did it. You did it because you felt it made you a better person. You felt it was the right thing to do.

Does anyone else remember that 'Save Darfur' fad that happened years ago? The people that wore the shirts probably don't, because they probably weren't even Darfur was a region in Sudan, or that there was a real tragedy going on. People just wanted to buy some sweet looking shirt that showed they cared about the world. Apparently part of the money went to stop the tragedy. When is the last time donating money stopped a government backed genocide? Never. Thought so.

Yes we should care about the environment and do what we can to make this world livable for future generations. I wish every country could be as privileged as the United States. It's a fact of life that they aren't. We shouldn't feel super guilty about it, but we also shouldn't abuse what we have constantly. But just because you do care, doesn't mean you have to tell everyone about it.

Scatterblog

So, I ran into my usual dilemma of not knowing what to write about for a new update. With calls for less posts and video games and more posts about Australia and what I've learned from people that live there. Yeah, I don't know how to fill an entire post about that kind of thing.

First I had the idea to take apart the crappy Insane Clown Posse song/video Miracles. If you haven't already seen it, go look it up on youtube, it's pure gold. But then I noticed that everyone has already done this.

Then I thought, brilliantly I might add, that I should do a post that is a rebuttal to Roger Ebert's blog about how video games are and never will be art. For one that would be about video games, which apparently I should stop writing about. For two, people far more talented and knowledgeable than me have also already done a myriad of things concerning this. I honestly have nothing new to contribute to such a discussion outside of lots of nerd rage. I do have plenty of that to go around.

So I sat here and thought to myself, "Sam, what could you write about?" then I decided I can write about whatever the hell I want. Well, that got me a grand total of nowhere. Because that still existed beforehand, and what I thought was some manner of groundbreaking thought, was actually just stating fact. This is my blog, I can write about whatever the hell I want. Except maybe you know...things that are against the law. That might get me into some manner of trouble. Then again, that doesn't really stop me from being able to write them, just gives me reason not to.

Anyways, that conversation in my head got really convoluted and stupid and just turned into hurling insults back and forth at myself. I'm sure you don't want to hear all about that. Maybe you do, maybe that's how you get your kicks, you sick bastard. You disgust me. You and everything you might stand for.

I mean, I'm sure to have heard something in the past few days that I could elaborate on in a blog post. But never in the course of the day during a conversation do I think to myself, "My god! That is an amazing idea for a blog post! I shall file that away in my head brain for later!" Besides I generally get everything out during that conversation or something, then yell at people later about it. I never make it far enough into my web surfing to get to my blog while I still have the spirit to write about a subject.

Oh! While I am thinking about it, there is a damn difference between curvy and fat. Fat does not make you curvy. Just because you a large woman human being person that does not in any way make you curvy. Did we somehow lose the definition of this word at some point in our long history? Or are people just that into themselves they will boldly state to the world they find themselves curvy when clearly they are not? Damn it.

I mean, even that was just an aside within this post, I might be able to get an entire post out of that, but only if I got good and riled up first. Maybe even liquored up too. Then and this is still a maybe, could I write an entire post about how people don't understand anything in the world and are all idiots, including you and me. We're all stupid. Shut up!

Now I just feel mean, sorry reader. I didn't mean to demean you. We're still cool. Please don't walk away, if you walk away it means this is over and I feel like we can make it work. We've been growing so distant lately...

Anyways. Lay off the meth kids.

An Emotion Is Me!

So, I'm just going to get right on with it and warn you that this will be less a funny post, and more a bit serious on an actual topic. Gasp! Sure, there might be jokes every once in awhile and maybe the post will even change into something else, as I write it, but as I'm conceptualizing and writing it at the same time, I'm not setting out to be hilarious this time.

Oh, also, there will be spoilers for a few games here. So ye be warned. These include but aren't limited to Heavy Rain, Metal Solid 3 and 4 and maybe a few others, so you know now. I'll give fair warning before it happens in the post though.

Anyways, now that we've wrapped all that up nicely, onto the actual post. Emotions in games. Or rather emotions and how games can evoke them far better than other media. Hold on, I'm just going to go ahead and say it now, people who say games are for kids or that you will grow out of them can go ahead and pull their collective heads out at any time. Have you grown out of movies, music or books lately? No? Then quit telling I'll grow out of gaming, it's irritating. And yes, this has happened.

Right then. Emotion. Video games. It is this very much unpaid internet writer's opinion that video games are one of the most, if not the most, emotional media around. For very simple reasons too. Very simple and easy to understand reasons. Even for the common man. For one, the average movie will last you around ninety minutes. So you have ninety minutes to get through all your character development, get into the plot, and have it all resolved and neatly wrapped up. Even in movies with sequels, each movie generally has it's own self contained plot to get through. Whereas with video games you will spend upwards of ten hours with these characters, in RPGs it can get up to sixty hours.

So you spend up to sixty hours with the same group of characters, you will form bonds with them. You have been through all these experiences, the loss, the victory, the tragedy, the happiness. You have experienced it all with them, all the while having fun. It is very easy to develop an emotional bond to the characters on the screen in front of you, to where you care about what they are doing and their well being. If not because you want to finish the game, but because you have grown attached to them.

This is especially evident in a game like Heavy Rain. Be warned, there will be some spoilers here. This game will last somewhere in the range of ten hours, but in that ten hours you will experience the ups and downs of a murder case through the eyes of four different people, namely the latest possible victim's father. SPOILERS: Near the end of the game, after you've gone through all the trials the Origami Killer's last trial is to have Ethan drink a poison that will kill him and you have to make that decision. It is up to the player whether or not you drink this poison, but if you don't, you probably will not find his son, thus failing essentially. The game forces the player to make a choice between success and the death of this man whose life has been played out before you, or failure and seeing him live. (If you know what happens and comment, please use a spoiler tag or something).

A similar situation occurs in Metal Gear Solid 3 (SPOILERS), where you have been through this entire mission with Snake, you are at the end of this journey, seemingly successful. Then you are forced to kill his mentor, who has supposedly defected to Soviet Russia. Sure this could play out in a cut scene and just be done with it. The game decides instead that it will cut from the cut scene to game play and forces the player to pull the trigger. You are forced to pull the trigger on the closest thing Snake ever had to a mother figure, and it is an emotionally powerful scene. Then after that, you find out she had only defected because of her mission, she was doing it all for the good of the US. Also, that everyone betrays Snake. Everyone. Literally the whole world apparently. You just went through hell and back with him, he lost an eye, and it turns out everyone was out to stab him in the back. If that doesn't evoke some kind of emotional response from you after you've played that game, you must actually be a cadaver.

I had a lot more to this post. Honest, but I've lost a lot of steam in the process of writing it and sometimes this whole flow of thought writing doesn't work that well. Ah well, everything has it's own individual pitfalls. It seems coherent to me...so deal with it.

I guess I'll leave you with a joke from 28 Days Later. A man walks into a bar with a giraffe. They get drunk. The giraffe falls over and the man goes to leave. The bar tender says, "Oi! You gonna leave that lyin' there?" The mans says "Lion? That's not a lion, it's a giraffe!"

Ha.

Get Off My Lawn!

This post will actually have nothing to do with lawn care or lawns in any fashion. Too bad grass enthusiasts! This blog is not yours! Anyways, the title is just because that's a generic angry old man yellin' phrase that comes to my head. I needed one of those, because this post is about them damned kids and how they are ruining the world as we know it. And by the world as we know it, I mean video games. And by video games, I mean video games.

I suppose Nintendo is the one to thank for this current trend toward these stupid motion controls. But their console could have fallen flat on it's face, failed miserable and nobody would have blinked an eye. Nerds like me would have laughed, at the fact that they got what they deserved for straying away from the people that made them who they are today in the first place, real gamers. People who actually, you know, play video games. There is nothing wrong with going after the common man, making simple games for kids. That however should not be the main focus of your console.

It's ruining video games as we know it too. I'm sure you could find a billion other posts on this topic, but it's true. With the recent unveiling of Sony's Move, I have gotten sad and needed to write about this topic. The Movie is essentially the Wiimote and Nunchuk attachment. Not even essentially. It is. With the added bonus of a colored ping pong ball on top of the remote. This is all a very disturbing trend, I'm pretty sure the Sixaxis which came with the PS3 on day one was all because of the mind boggling success of the Wii. I hate the Sixaxis, anytime a game (like Marvel Ultimate Alliance) tried to cram it into a game, it got annoying and hardly worked. I'd tilt the controller and get no feedback and get my ass kicked by the boss. Lame shit, right?

Well, who are the people we have to thank for this godawful trend? Family gamers, kids. Grand parents who don't know what's what. I guess this has been a trend for years. It's why awful movie game tie-ins happen, it's why challenging games as we know them have been disappearing. Demon's Souls was so very refreshing, because it provided a challenge. It makes you think and plan. Happy Feet the game, you hit the up button twice and you win.

Hopefully developers, publishers and the makers of the consoles themselves won't fall into the black pit of making only crap ass, movie-tie ins, remakes and the rehasing of the same game from 1986, but in 3D! (I'm looking at you Mario), then we as a the video gaming crowd will be left to wallow in what could have been a great entertainment medium, but just become another toy for kids.

Hopefully games like Demon's Souls, Heavy Rain and even the Gears of Wars, God of Wars and mature blockbuster games show this isn't happening.

The Wii's continued sales and the crap software people continue to buy says otherwise though.

Why I Feel Like a Winner.

So, that title implies this post will be quite the wanking of my ego, and it very well might be, but something very specific brought this on. Standing in the pre-order line for Final Fantasy XIII outside of Denton's Gamestop. Now, I say standing and not waiting, because I was in no way waiting in that line. I wasn't there to purchase the game in any fashion. I was there because a friend promised me a free meal if I went with him to keep him company. It ended up being Carl's Jr. Then standing in this line made me feel like a champ. The night was clearly win-win for me.

As I approached the line, my stomach full of a grilled cheese double bacon burger thing. I'm not sure what the real name is, point is it was delicious and probably bad for me in every single way possible. I probably had the runs but forgot, but I digress. I was walking towards this line of BO and social faux pas (how do you pluralize that? Is it even possible?), medium doctor pepper in hand, feeling awesome about myself, having just consumed such a burger.

As I began to observe the people around me, it was just like an ego boost on the move. I realized that while I may be an incredible nerd (as AIM just now yelled at me in the voice of one Maurice Moss 'Message for me!'), but I still find myself to be rather well adjusted socially. I may seem like a hermit from time to time, but that happens. As I gazed upon the group before me, I felt exponentially better about myself every few minutes as a new one showed up, or one stepped out of the shadows. Even in the shadows they aren't too hard to spot, having never actually seen the sun in real life. Only it's likeness (soon to look even better in DX11).

There was this group of three ahead of me, two of which had disgusting long, greasy looking hair. One of these two was short, and gangly. The other tall and gangly. Neither of which ever having interacted with another human being who hadn't seen every single episode of Star Trek every more than likely and both of whom can probably point out every single problem with Star Wars ever (the original trilogy that is, we all know the prequel trilogy is flawed as hell). The third one was bald, which is lame shit too. It's like he noticed how lame his friends are, but took it way too far to the other end. He was sporting a pretty rad beard though, which was rad up until the point that he started to talk about it. You should never start talking about your beard with a random passerby, it negates any awesomeness and makes it more and more look like you're a hobo who just doesn't own a razor. Good job, bum.

So, take those three people and multiply it by about 30, then you have the general crowd I was dealing with, the non-lame ass person scattered about every once and awhile. Then there was the occasional whif of...something one might get up the nostrils that just somehow managed to offend every single sense even though it was just a smell. I can't even begin to explain how that works.

This is why I felt like a winner. While I might be an ultimo nerd, I still manage to take care of myself, and do have friends all of whom aren't ultimo nerds too. There isn't anything wrong about it, but when you start to neglect hygiene on a regular basis, or you do shower and whatnot, but your room is such a stinking mess, you can't wash the stink off, go ahead and count yourself on the losing side.

So, that was that. I feel like that was kind of a weak ending, so here are some other reasons I'm a winner.

• I recently turned 21.
• I now finally own the whole Cage the Elephant album and can say with confidence it is in fact all good, and not just that one song. You know the one, that's in Borderlands and supposedly on the radio.
• I also own Battlefield Bad Company 2. It's on the Frostbite engine and that just makes me smile.
• That last post was a joke that was making fun of the far right and some people apparently didn't catch that. This also somehow makes me a winner.
• Bacon.
• I own and operate an internet radio station, The Futurebox Machine.
• I am not addicted to crack.
• Cheeseburgers.

I'm sure I'll update that list more pretty soon.

The Case Against Halloween

I constantly promise myself that I'll update this more often, but I just don't get around to it, or I write half of a post then decide I hate it and scrap it. It's not good. I'm back though and that is that, so yeah. I get to go back to threatening people to read my blog at knife-point.

Anyways, where was I? Oh, right the case against Halloween. Well, aside from the obvious fact that it teaches children how to worship satan and that it's cool to dress up as something demonic, there are in fact other, even more sinister reasons to hate Halloween. Yes my friends, even more reasons than that one, and that one should be enough to make us want to lock our doors for forever. This is reason is one that should make us fear the God hating liberal even more than we already do.

The simple fact is it is teaching our children not only about the dreaded and evil socialism, but it is teaching them to love socialism. Let that sink in, then maybe go into shock for awhile. I'll say it again just in case you didn't catch it the first time, Halloween is teaching our God fearing children to love socialism.

What kind of lesson is that for our kids? To teach them to not work for what they get?! I for one am outraged. They walk from house to house, banging on the doors asking for a free hand out. Sounds awfully familiar. Like someone named Josef Stalin to me. Do you want your child to be Josef Stalin? I think not, faithful reader.

So as our children grow up, they begin to expect this Halloween all the time, if they get free candy on one day of the year, why not once a month? Why not once a week? Then why not everyday? We are raising a generation of socialism lovers who want to subsist on milk of the government teat! Also, Christmas should be about our Lord Savior Jesus Christ! What next?! Our children expect some fat man to come to our homes and hand them commercial happiness?!

This my dear dear friends is an outrage. We are being tricked by the liberals and gays to raise an entire generation of socialist loving girly boys who want to have the right to marry each other. I feel sick just thinking about it.







It's great to be back!



PS. Also, back when I first started this post in October or early November, it was totally relevant. Just imagine you're reading it back then.

PPS. It says this was posted in December. Not the case at all, it is clearly March.